I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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