Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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