I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
