i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
