No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
