if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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