You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
