Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
