Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
