can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
