I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
