What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
