I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
