Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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