i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You have to summon your inner elephant
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
