Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sober January is a disaster.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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