Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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