I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
