We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
