I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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