just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
