I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
