My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You're a waste of cheezeits
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
