he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
