farters have to be the big spoon...
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
