what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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