if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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