Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
