so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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