Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
