Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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