I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
