I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
