Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
