Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
