I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
