NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
