You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
BRING THE BAGELS
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
