just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
