the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
