I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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