do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
