google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
