OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
