Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
