She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Even my vagina gasped.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
