So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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