I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
