that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
