I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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