the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
